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This blog's content might be triggering for some people, as it is related to eating and/or personality disorders. If you think this might be a wrong place for you, please, use your better judgment and leave.

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April 6, 2015

Long story short

Some of you have been here with me from the very beginning, but most of you don't really know my story. I've decided to share at least a part of it, to give you an insight into the cycle of my eating disorders and how they evolved over time.


I've had body image issues ever since I can remember. I used to stare at my reflection in the mirror for hours, looking for everything about me that I could possibly hate. When I was 8, my parents divorced. After their divorce they were treating me as if I were their tool for vendetta. I was too small and weak to do anything about it, so I cut them off and found my own way of protesting. I refused to eat from time to time. I would go without food for several days every now and then.

The older I was, the more I began to use food as a coping mechanism. I have a difficulty dealing with conflict and communicating negative emotions, so instead of letting the emotions out, I've always dealt with them through food, or lack thereof. At the age of 14 I started to feel what it takes to be disordered. It all started as a harmless diet. I just wanted to lose a couple of pounds. I skipped some meals, which lead to a huge binge and my first purge ever. And then, hey presto, I became bulimic. I don't even know how it happened, it happened so fast. At the age of 15 I was sent to recovery. However, it didn't help much. I returned to my old disordered behavior, only I learned to hide it better.

When I was 17, I moved away from my family for a while. That was when things got worse again. Only this time I leaned more towards anorexic behavior. I would train vigorously and skip meals, eat as little as possible. There were slip-ups, of course, when I would binge and purge again, but mostly I just wasn't eating much. I lost a significant amount of weight and when I returned home, I found myself in recovery again.

After recovery, I skipped a meal every now and then, binged every now and then, but mostly I was OK. And then my disordered behavior started creeping back into my life slowly. I purged for the first time in over a year and from there it was a downward spiral. I've relapsed again and I'm starting to think it's impossible to really recover from this. Currently I'm EDNOS with the prevalence of anorexic tendencies. 


Love

~ Meg

4 comments:

  1. Meg, I just stumbled upon this post
    I can relate so much
    I just wanted you to know that
    So you don't feel so alone
    I don't have a lot of words today
    But thank you for sharing some of your story x

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  2. Thank you for posting this. I'm definitely a newer reader so this really helps give me an idea of where you're at.
    That said, I'm sorry you've dealt with so much for so long. You're obviously a strong person for coming through all of that. Remember we're always here if you need to talk.

    <3
    xxBella

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  3. Good to see you back on here. Take care.
    <3 Lee

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey Meg,
    I've been following your blog for a while, but never commented before (as far as my tired mind remembers)-
    Aged around 25, I reached the weight of 5 1/2 stone...and still thought I was "fat/flabby".
    Because I was a heroin addict, my eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) were never diagnosed- they didn't look past the addiction thing- but a lot of it, I worked out for myself and was later told- is about control, because we felt/feel unable to control the things that were/are happenning to us. I too had parents mouthing off obscenities about each other to me and had this horrible "stuck in the middle but must be loyal to both" thing going on. My mother spent years telling me I was fat (I was a healthy weight for my height) and only later realised she was an anorexic (undiagnosed).
    It took me years to unravel the layers of pain to be comfortable in my own (physical/mirror/scales) skin and only this year allowed my daughter to buy scales because I have a phobia of finding out my weight and "relapsing"...
    Thank god they weigh in kilos...I refuse to convert them to the stones that nearly killed me as they dropped off.
    I hope you find peace with your eating. Food is a hard one because we need it to survive and in that way eating disorders are harder than addictions to illegal substances- you can't buy heroin in the shops.
    When I was told the years of starvation had probably significantly wasted my heart along with my other muscles...ugh...yet somehow that wasn't enough...like the desperate-to-tan chronic sunbather risking melanomas by refusing to use sunblock, the the smoker with bronchitis, the heroin addict with collapsing veins...here we stand: survivors of our circumstances?
    I'm rambling horribly so will stop writing now.
    Much love,
    Vee X

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