April 6, 2015
Some of you have been here with me from the very beginning, but most of you don't really know my story. I've decided to share at least a part of it, to give you an insight into the cycle of my eating disorders and how they evolved over time.
I've had body image issues ever since I can remember. I used to stare at my reflection in the mirror for hours, looking for everything about me that I could possibly hate. When I was 8, my parents divorced. After their divorce they were treating me as if I were their tool for vendetta. I was too small and weak to do anything about it, so I cut them off and found my own way of protesting. I refused to eat from time to time. I would go without food for several days every now and then.
The older I was, the more I began to use food as a coping mechanism. I have a difficulty dealing with conflict and communicating negative emotions, so instead of letting the emotions out, I've always dealt with them through food, or lack thereof. At the age of 14 I started to feel what it takes to be disordered. It all started as a harmless diet. I just wanted to lose a couple of pounds. I skipped some meals, which lead to a huge binge and my first purge ever. And then, hey presto, I became bulimic. I don't even know how it happened, it happened so fast. At the age of 15 I was sent to recovery. However, it didn't help much. I returned to my old disordered behavior, only I learned to hide it better.
When I was 17, I moved away from my family for a while. That was when things got worse again. Only this time I leaned more towards anorexic behavior. I would train vigorously and skip meals, eat as little as possible. There were slip-ups, of course, when I would binge and purge again, but mostly I just wasn't eating much. I lost a significant amount of weight and when I returned home, I found myself in recovery again.
After recovery, I skipped a meal every now and then, binged every now and then, but mostly I was OK. And then my disordered behavior started creeping back into my life slowly. I purged for the first time in over a year and from there it was a downward spiral. I've relapsed again and I'm starting to think it's impossible to really recover from this. Currently I'm EDNOS with the prevalence of anorexic tendencies.
Confessed by Meg at 10:50 AM