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February 17, 2015

I will always love you

I realized I only write here when I'm sad. It is understandable, since I there's no one I could talk to and I just need to get this off my chest. I will try to blog about happy things, too, but in the meantime, bear with me, please. 

If you read my blog lately, you know that I'd been dating a boy for two years. Last July we broke up because he figured out he was gay. And it hurt me more than I ever admitted to him or to my friends.

I think this whole thing is so much harder for him than it is for me and I am so so sorry. He has a hard time accepting himself and the entire situation. I also know that he's dealt with a lot of guilt because of me, he told me he was sorry for hurting me and I know he meant it. I have forgiven him, if there ever was anything to forgive. We stayed friends and we meet from time to time. When he asks, I always tell him I'm okay. But the truth is, I'm not, even after all this time.

Seven months have passed and I still seem to be unable to get over him completely. Sometimes everything feels almost normal, but sometimes I'm barely hanging in there. I'm not all that surprised, because he was the first person I truly loved, even though I've never actually told him so. That kind of love doesn't just go away, nor do I want it to. I just wish my love for him could transform, so I could love him this much as a friend without constantly forcing myself to smile around him and pretending I am okay.

Bittersweet memories.
That is all I'm taking with me. 
So good-bye, please don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what you need.

And maybe it's not about still being in love with him. Maybe I'm just scared that I will never find anyone like him again, anyone who's gonna be so kind to me. To me, he was perfect. And maybe that's why I am so heartbroken. Because I think no one will ever be like him. Compared to him, how is anyone ever going to be good enough?

I try and try to get over the fear, I try to be normal and happy, but the sadness is still there. It's everywhere. It's eating me away from the inside. It feels like I have a hole in my chest that I just can't get rid of. Sometimes it gets bigger and it tries to tear me apart. All these feelings, they're trying to find their way out of my chest but they can't. And no matter how angry I get, no matter how much I scream, no matter how much I cry, it just doesn't help. The pain is always there, sometimes bearable, sometimes barely so.

And in spite of all these feelings, I wish him all the happiness in the world. I wish he could love himself just the way he is. I wish he could fully accept himself and embrace it although it sure isn't easy. Am I crazy for wishing that?

I hope life treats you kind.
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of. 
And I wish you joy and happiness. 
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you...

The only thing I can do for him at this point is to be there. And I always will, no matter what happens, no matter how far I am. I will always be there for him, even if he's never there.

~ Meg

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry. I know how it feels to be so heartbroken that you can actually feel your heart hurting. It's overdone and way cliche, but hang in there, you'll meet someone someday who will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. I didn't believe it until it happened to me. I hope that you keep your head up through this time. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
    <3 Lee


~ You brigthen my day. Thank you for doing that. Stay lovely. ~