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This blog's content might be triggering for some people, as it is related to eating and/or personality disorders. If you think this might be a wrong place for you, please, use your better judgment and leave.

If you decide to stay, welcome, you are greatly appreciated.

December 12, 2014

Holding on and letting go


You know how sometimes you cry so much you think you're never going to stop? When everything hurts, when your tears bring no solace, when all you can do is just sit there and let your heart ache while water pours down your cheeks?

It is one of those days.

There is a cause to all of this, or rather, there are many. My aunt is dying and it is only now that I realize how much I'm actually going to miss her. Then there is my eating disorder, which is no longer under control. I've been starving since November, only eating when absolutely necessary, not strong enough to convince myself that I should really have some healthier eating habits. 

I'm also still in love with my ex-boyfriend, which is rather unhealthy, but I don't know what to do about it. I absolutely hate the idea of losing him, because he is an amazing person and I want him in my life, always. I know we can never be together, I want to be really mature about this. I don't hate him for breaking up with me, I want him by my side, I want his friendship and I want to love him in a friendly way. But I didn't get to that point of our relationship yet, so now I'm hurting.


Honey, if you only knew.
Your presence is my fresh air.
I would bleed for you,
But you don't even care.


I've been crying for the last two hours. I really have. I didn't think it was possible to cry so much, but apparently, it is. Also, I realize I might not make sense right now. I'm a little tipsy, I tried to use alcohol as some sort of remedy for my broken soul but it didn't help, it might even have made things worse. 

Perhaps I should try and go to sleep, but I don't really see how that could happen any time soon. I guess I have to get this out of me.

My whole world seems to be falling apart, although this is not new to me. I went through this before, several times, actually. That is how I know that this, too, shall pass and I will survive.

I didn't want to bother you with my problems, not after I've promised myself I would only write about happy things. I am so sorry. But I really needed to tell someone, for sanity's sake. Sorry again, I hope you understand.

Love


~ Meg 

5 comments:

  1. I don't know who you are, I happened here on chance, but whoever you are and whatever you're going through I hope you get to a better place sooner, rather than later, and I'm sure you do too. Words only go so far, nothing but idle encouragement and cliches, but for what it's worth, I wish the best for you kiddo. I bet you're a really wonderful person who deserves to soar. Best to you.

    -Kitten

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello, Kitten.
      I really wish I knew who you were so I could thank you in a proper way. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I hope you do.

      Thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words. I really wish there were more people like you in the world, people who choose to be kind to strangers. Your words are like a medicine for my aching heart. Thank you for making me a little better.

      ~ Meg

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Hey, I will try my best, I promise. I'm working on it every day. Thank you for caring.
      Love

      ~ Meg

      Delete
  3. hang on in there, and please vent or message if it would ever help xxxxx

    ReplyDelete

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