This blog's content might be triggering for some people, as it is related to eating and/or personality disorders. If you think this might be a wrong place for you, please, use your better judgment and leave.

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August 22, 2014

Unsorted thoughts

I must warn you in advance, these are my unsorted thoughts put on paper - so basically, this is a pure chaos.

I was supposed to go out with some friends tonight. They knew I couldn't go to any of their places because they live too far away and I have to go to practice very early tomorrow. They said it was okay, they wanted to see me, they would meet me somewhere closer to my place.

But then they've decided they would just stay on the other end of town. Sorry, they said. And my heart broke and now I feel so dumb and worthless and unloved and rejected. Why would they call me and then change their minds? It makes me really sad. And the worst part is I can't even cry.

But I was crying yesterday. A lot. I cried while I ran, I cried when I stopped running, I cried when I took a shower, I cried when I cooked and then I finally stopped when my family came home, because I promised myself that no one would ever see me cry again, not even my family.

Running is great for sorting thoughts, but it made me think about things I don't wish to remember. It all comes back to my ex Charlie. I think about him all the time. I think about the good times and the bad and I can't get him out of my head. 

I miss Charlie. I really do. I miss talking to him, because even though we talk now, it's different. I miss his touch and his kisses, but I would be fine without them if only I could be held in his embrace. I know it's not healthy and I know it means nothing to him while it means everything to me, but still, holding him close is all I want to do.

I need something to keep me busy so I don't think about that beautiful, kind boy that used to be mine. Because last week I went to the mountains with some friends and I had a marvelous time and I didn't think of Charlie too much and I wasn't sad most of the time and I didn't cry when I was alone and it was wonderful. I finally felt like a normal person again. But now I'm back to my old stereotype and all I am is that broken girl I was before.

I don't know how to get out of this mess inside my head, I really don't know. He preoccupies my thoughts and it is scary. 

~ Meg

1 comment:

  1. Oh hun, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down and alone. I understand completely. I feel alone most days as well, despite being surrounded by people. You're in my thoughts.


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