This blog's content might be triggering for some people, as it is related to eating and/or personality disorders. If you think this might be a wrong place for you, please, use your better judgment and leave.

If you decide to stay, welcome, you are greatly appreciated.

August 6, 2014

Price paid

I am sitting in front of my laptop with a cup full of chocolate bars that I just chewed and spat out. My disordered behavior is slowly but surely coming back. I realize as much, but I don't want to do anything about it, not really.

The day it started to get a lot worse was Monday, July 21st. I remember the day very well, because it was a day before my birthday and also a day when I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. 

I knew it was coming, our relationship just didn't feel right, especially when we weren't together. 

The breakup itself went as well as breakups can go. It didn't surprise me, yet I didn't know what to say at first. 

He figured out he was gay. I can't really blame him for that. 
Somewhere deep inside I knew it all along, I knew that something wasn't right, but I kept pushing the uncertain feeling back because I loved him and I wanted everything to be alright. The truth is, I still love him and it's going to take a lot of time and effort to stop. I feel like a girl from a bad-written TV show.

The breakup itself went like this:
He told me, crying. We walked in silence for about thirty minutes or so, I don't really know, the time didn't matter. Nothing really did. It was just him and me and the sunset, something that would normally be very romantic, but now it was just plain sad. 

"I didn't want to do this to you," he said. And then he started crying again. We finally stopped near the river and I started to cry, too. But despite the tears, I felt numb. We exchanged a few words, but they felt heavy and unnatural coming out of my mouth.

We started walking towards the city center, tears still rolling down my cheeks. I suggested having a shot, he agreed. We sat there drinking and crying, neither saying much, both looking utterly broken, although I didn't understand what he was so upset about.

"I was so scared you were going to hate me," he said with a broken voice. I think seeing him like that was worse than the breakup itself. He just looked so sad and lost and I didn't know what to do to make him feel better, because that is all I wanted to do.

I made him promise we wouldn't stop talking, we made a deal to stay friends. He promised me he would always be honest with me from now on and he made it sound like he really meant it.

And then we started talking and we had the most open and honest conversation we have ever had. It just felt right. And I knew we would be much better off as friends. 
But the thought of what we had still hurts.

And despite all of this, I regret nothing.
Not one moment in those two years.
Not a single memory.
I have no regrets.

And if I had a choice to go through this relationship again, I would have said yes.
Because I might have lost a boyfriend along the way and my heart might have been broken.
But in the long run, I've gained a friend for life.


~ Meg


  1. I'm glad your relationship ended on a good note. I think honesty is the best policy, and can make people understand things a lot more when their open and honest about things.
    Take care of yourself. <3

  2. I can't fathom the hurt you're feeling my dear, but like Kay said, honesty is something wonderful and these days, a lot of relationships lack that. I hope that the two of you can remain friends and continue to be honest with each other.

  3. I have this ex that I am sure is gay. he never admitted it, but all signs point to it. I hope for his own sake that he one day admits and excepts his sexuality.

    At the end you both will be happier when the truth is out.

  4. It sounds like you will always love each other - in the most important way xx

  5. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but I'm glad it ended well (if relationships can end 'well'). And you're right; you've gained a friendship for life, and an open and honest one at that. I know it doesn't make it hurt any less but I hope you both find happiness in the end.


  6. That's so mature of you, very impressive. Experiences are what make up our lives, all of them are worth something.

    / Avy


~ You brigthen my day. Thank you for doing that. Stay lovely. ~