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This blog's content might be triggering for some people, as it is related to eating and/or personality disorders. If you think this might be a wrong place for you, please, use your better judgment and leave.

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July 5, 2014

Decisions

I've lost some weight again.
Knowing this is not a good thing for me. 
If I gain weight, I am upset. If I lose some, I am triggered. 
There is no way to be content with the number, whatever it is.

I'm not really surprised about the weight loss because I went vegan three months ago. I know it's probably not a good idea for people like me to limit their food choices so much, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about. I am trying to be healthy though, I am really trying to eat enough and make good choices.
But for me, this is also a way to gain control over food, yet another way of restricting.

I don't binge & purge anymore, because there's usually nothing to binge on considering my food restrictions. That is a very good thing.
I do restrict a lot more than necessary and on some days I just don't eat at all. That is a very bad thing.


My boyfriend doesn't know about my struggles with EDs. We've been together for 2 years and I still haven't told him. I think he might have a suspicion, though. He often makes comments about how little I eat and keeps asking me what I had for lunch, dinner...

It makes me really uncomfortable because
I know my eating is not normal.
It makes me even more uncomfortable because
I am way too fat to be eating this little

I'm thinking about telling the boy about my disordered past/present. I think it would be really good for me to finally let this out. But I am so scared he will leave me once he knows just how fucked up I really am.
I don't want to be alone, not now when I know what love feels like. I don't know whether to tell him or not, but the fear of being left alone is breaking me.

My boy is so good and so kind to me, he is one of my favorite people in the world. He makes my heart smile. There's nothing I like more than being held in his embrace, inhaling his scent and listening to his heartbeat, feeling so safe and sheltered. Do you know what I mean? When I think of him I am filled with love and joy.
I wish everyone could feel like that, always. The world would be a much better place.

[This picture of us is strange, but it captures my favorite place to be, always.]

Love


~ Meg

4 comments:

  1. I think you should give him a chance to understand you - all of you. It sounds like you have such a loving relationship, and honesty will make it ever stronger xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Tam,
      I think you are right. I've been thinking about it a lot and I came to the same conclusion. I just hope you are right, I hope he will understand. Thank you for your kind words.
      Love

      ~ Meg

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  2. I agree in that you should tell him, I'm sure he'd understand if he truly loves you, & that picture of you 2 is beautiful! I hope all is well in you're life<3 Keep in touch.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Kay,
      thank you for your opinion, I've decided I will tell him, now I'm just waiting for the right time (although the time is never quite right).
      And thank you so much! I just love the picture.
      Hugs and kisses

      ~ Meg

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~ You brigthen my day. Thank you for doing that. Stay lovely. ~