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January 26, 2011

For you and I are past our dancing days

I feel like I'm in a circus - flashing lights, people staring, laughing at me because I am not good enough, laughing because I am clumsy, laughing because I look ridiculous. They are staring at my imperfect face, I cry and frown but nobody sees, because I am wearing a masque of a clown. I look in the reflector that puts me in a spotlight and suddenly I can't see anything. My vision is dark because of all the mess in my mind. I stop doing what I was doing before, I stand there and stare into nothing. I suddenly don't know who I am, I am lost in thought, lost in silence, lost in emptiness and I don't know how to find my way back to the real world - to this horrible circus that almost seems surreal but I know that it's the reality.

I always smile, pretend. Inside I do quite the opposite. Often I think about what others think, I get lost in my own thoughts and don't know how to get out of there. I often feel like Alice who came to the strangest Wonderland. And often the Wonderland seems tragically real for me.

I need to sort my mind, my thoughts, my memories.
Until then

~ Meg


  1. I think I can relate a little to that feeling of wearing a mask. Whenever I'm around people, I guess I seem pretty happy, pretty 'normal'. But i feel kinda numb. And as soon as I walk though my door, and am alone, I'm just overwhlemed by the emotion and the issues that I don't let anyone see.
    I hope you feel better soon.

  2. I can totally relate too! No one understands, no one sees what I see when I look in the mirror & I hate always putting on a "mask" so people don't question why I'm so depressed & feel so alone. Maybe once we get skinny, we'll be happier. Please check out my blog, I just started & could use some support. We're in this together! xo A

  3. Interesting read. I am following your blog now. Drop by mine as well and follow if you find it interesting.

  4. I know what your talking about I feel sometimes like I'm just floating not really here I sit at my desk working and just stare at the wall unsure why I was even put here.

    I find writing stuff down helps clear the mind and meditation.

  5. I'm really sorry, but I believe this chick: http://perfectbyana.blogspot.com/2011/01/for-you-and-i-are-past-our-dancing-days.html?zx=e18292d615fd6a2 stole your post for her profile information. She's plagiarized every story she posted (including two of mine). Since she didn't credit you, I suggest you maybe contact the site support? That's what I did. I haven't gotten a reply yet, but I'm hoping they take quick action.

    We have a whole post going on here: http://community.livejournal.com/fpwatchers/26253.html?view=135821#t135821

    Again, I'm really sorry. Plagiarizers suck. :(


~ You brigthen my day. Thank you for doing that. Stay lovely. ~