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May 28, 2010


Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to die.

To fall asleep one day, when it's rainy and the sky is gray, when everything is so quiet and calm and everyone seems to be happy and content. You’d fake a smile just like any other day but on the inside you’d be crying. What would it be like to wait for the night, then take many pills, fall asleep and never wake up again?

Or maybe a slower death would be more satisfying. Don’t take the easy way out, starve yourself instead, how theatrical! Feel your heart beat to the rhythm of the raindrops falling to the ground; then feel it slow down. Realize this is all you wished for. Admit you are probably thin enough, because you're dying. Smile with ease, look forward to redemption. Greet beautiful and merciful death...

But death can also be really scary. What if suddenly you realized you didn't want to die? What if you realized that it wasn't death you were craving? Maybe it was oblivion. Maybe it was life in its purest form - real, peaceful, happy. But it would be too late. Your heart would stop beating and you, with tears in your eyes, would be gone forever.

~ Meg


  1. I love what your wrote. It is so deep and written in a matter-of-fact kind of way. I always picture my death when I am really down. If I am in a acar I picture Myself opening the door while were on the motorway and just jumping out and getting hit by the lorry next to us. I feel happy. Then I look at my family in the car or think of you girls and then I just watch the lorry drive by, wwith a piece of me.

    I need help. I am stuggling. Today I am starting again. AGAIN!!! i ALSWAYS START AGAIN. But in the hope that this time will be the last time. This year has to be the year.


  2. My pedometer shows me the same thing. Mind you I haven't moved much today. Just been at home. I am trying to keep my calories high as in 1000, I don't want to start off to hard that it doesn't last. So I am making it slightly easier. I will post tonight with today's Stat's. Keep an eye out.


  3. I have done the pill thing. 67 Lorazepam.

    I told them in the IP facility I was sent to that I was planning on it once I left.

    I couldn't stand not being as skinny as I was. I couldn't stand not dying while I was still thin.

    It wasn't worth it. I landed in another IP unit, worse than the first. So yeah, maybe each day is a fight. But at least it's one we can still win. When you're locked away from reality there isn't that chance.


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